Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Welcome Friends, to THE DEAD ZOO

Conventions are creepy.
There is something so sad about them. Wait...Let me start out by saying something positive about them before I go all Capricorn on the subject.
You can buy some wonderful stuff at the booths.
Wow a nonworking replica of a Star Trek TOS Phaser for $350.00! I want two please!

If you are not rolling in dough you can settle for something less pricey.
A simple autographed picture of an actor or actorette. Now you can get the picture from a garlic smelling bung fiddler who most likely did the autograph himself with the sharpie he keeps in his ass or you can make sure the autograph is real by being there as the person signs it.
If you choose to have the actual person sign the photo in your presence you must go to THE DEAD ZOO.
There is a sad little area in certain conventions set up for actors of lesser or sci-fi roles to sign autographs for fans and friends of fans.
It is the saddest place in the world.
Rows and rows of folding tables and behind each table is "A STAR". A real live star waiting to talk to you and sign that Teen Beat magazine you have been wacking off to since 1978.
The signatures are not free. There is a whole pricing scale depending on the kitchyness of the actor. This is humiliating and demeaning. Crap actors charge a whopping 5 bucks but some can be up to a whole 15 bucks a signature.
Walking into one of these rooms is like walking into a Zoo where all the animals are dead. Looking into the faces of the actors peering from their cage behind their little folding tables, seeing the desperate smile to entice you over to talk to them. That half smile. The pain smile. Eyes so far away.
Row after row. Kennel after kennel. CAGE AFTER CAGE.
Its horrible just horrible. Sad little animals looking for the next meal.

Here are some Dead Zoo pictures. See how many you recognize. (HINT: one is actually dead.)


Gavin Elster said...

Since the first question i got about this post was WHY CANT YOU PUT THE NAMES WITH THE PICTURES... (The whole point is YOU GUESS the damn names!)

Here are the names in order:
Kim Richards "Escape from Witch Mountain" (and Paris Hiltons Aunt!)

Margot Kidder "Superman" (glad to see her teeth and hair grew back)

Don Knotts "The Ghost and Mr Chicken" (John Waters collects Don Knotts memorabilia)

Karen Black "Five Easy Pieces"

Maud Adams "Octopussy"

Lana Wood "Diamonds are Forever" (Plenty O'Toole)

Barbara Feldon "Get Smart" (agent 99)

Sam J Jones "Flash Gordon"

Dean Stockwell "Blue Velvet" (Here's to your Fuck Frank!)

Billy Dee Williams - Actor?

WAT said...

Oh God. How horrid! Dean Stockwell looks god awful! Sam Jones still kinda hot tho.

The hands of time are cruel.

Unknown said...

Is Margot still crazy?

Gavin Elster said...

The last time I saw her was before her "breakdown." I can tell you she was not too sane then. She was asking me directions to a George Bush Campaign dinner in Century City.
I think I gave her the wrong directions.

I truly do not know if she is better now. I can only assume so since she hasn't shown up in anyones backyard unannounced lately.

Timo said...

8 out of 10. i rule. yay for karen black.

these things do seem kind of sad. I would go if Elvira was there but that's it. maybe Lynda Carter.

Gavin Elster said...

Lynda Carter! Where is she? Is she working on something?