Kong- with Rula Lenska!

pile of batteries on the lawn.

Merry Christmas

The funny comes with the dressing. (wait for it!)

The measuring cup gag at the beginning is priceless. He carefully measures out some water from a yellow Dixie cup into the measuring cup. He pours the contents of the measuring cup into the bowl. Then he pours the rest of the Dixie cup into the same bowl. AWESOME!
Please PLEASE watch Merrill add the salad dressing. It happens about 5:43 . I promise you'll either call the police or laugh so hard you'll tear up.

I did both.

"Just watch Merrill put dressing on this salad..." Cafepress shirts anyone?

Stay for the big finale when Raquel Welsh makes an appearance.
This is truly the best thing on you-tube.

Pirates!

Not just any ol' Disneyfied Pirates but pirates for Jesus! (I just wanted to say butt pirates for Jesus.) This is one confounding video. First they claim Jesus has paralyzed the devil. Not just stopped the devil from doing whatever it is that the devil does but actually paralyzed him. Broke his back and put him in a wheelchair.
Twisted middle American ideals at work.

The lyrics speak of the devil distorting the truth. This is coming from two pirate puppets who tell me the devil is an invalid paralyzed from the waist down? Distortion of truth? How can you distort bible stories any more than they are?
These little pirates found a way!
Oh... I forgot to mention that they basically call anyone who uses a chair a loser. Thank you insensitive children's pirate puppets for Jesus.




Paralyzed!! Paralyzed! Come on everybody SING ALONG!

Just odd.

What was this conversation like?

FOX question

Inbred future.

From the past I bring you a future of idiots.
What horrible events occurred to enable computers to become alive? What school neglects to teach students what year it is? Why is mommy so pretty and how come she is the only one who remembers where the bathroom is but cant remember what its called? The swelling music at the end makes me want to shout "You maniacs! God damn you God Damn you all to hell!" 1999 was apparently the year computers enslaved mankind.

1999 A.D. Intro
Uploaded by Stolen from donaldtheduckie

Swank!

There is no way this was taken seriously in 1965. Oh George why did you do this? Putnum sounds like he is a ghost reporting from beyond the grave. He is trying to make the subject sound serious but in his attempt he sounds like a half assed ghost or even worse, Adam West. The amazing thing is the inconsistant attempt to cover naughty bits shows more than than allowed in our broadcasting standards today.



Luke just sent me this version. It makes more sense than the original.
MP4 Version

More future vision from the past

Yet another clip from the 1967 Philco film "1999 A.D."
This one predicts microwave cooking, Flat Panel tv screens and the prevalence of OCD mental disorders in children.

Oh yeah this also predicts women are slaves here to serve even the smallest crazy man.

The dream this morning.

I was the new caretaker of a church. A very unpopular church.
Beautiful but vacant.
I was outside in the side garden watering the plants, the dead plants, and oiling the pews at the same time. Apparently the pews can be carted outside and thats the best place to treat them with wood oil. The oil seems to bake in the sun and does a sort of "deep treatment" to the pew. Anyway I was watering the dead plants and this nun comes out to talk to me.
She came out into the side garden thru the smoked industrial glass doors. Clearly these door were a 1960's addition to this church as they seemed to be out of place with the Moorish style of the church.
This faceless nun come up to me and says "Patches will be here to entertain shortly. Please HELP out and ask questions. The children don't respond well to sock puppets nowadays. Now Patches will set up behind one of these pews and you'll be able to ask her anything you like. Ok?" And with that she went back inside. I coiled up the
green garden hose and examined the pews. They looked great. Deep dark wood shining in the morning sun. So, I find a nice shady part of the front pew and sit and wait for Patches.

What is Patches? Was Patches the sock or... what is Patches?

I could see thru the smoked glass doors that someone was coming this way. I could see the reflection in the marble floor clearer than I could see the actual figure. It was a woman dressed as a clown with a tubesock puppet. She came out to the side garden and settled into place behind the stage pew. I thought she was there behind the pew to hide the bottom part of the sock as to give the illusion that it is not just her arm in a tubesock. Nope she didn't care about that it was clearly a clown with a sock on her hand.
Her clown outfit was questionable too. It was a mans black sport coat and brimless fedora with the only make up being dots on either side of her leathery face. As I watched her get into position for her show I sensed the presence of people in the pews behind me. I was about to turn around to look but as I was about to the faceless nun scooted by me and said "I think before you ask any questions you should bark like a dog." and quickly went inside the church.

Patches began her show.

The clown mumbled at her socked fist. It sounded a lot like:
"goriesen CHRIST mayalpo sooner for JESUS and you want to." The sock just gestured as only a sock puppet can, mouth open, look around, mouth closed.
I wanted to ask a question but felt silly having to bark before-hand so I coughed and asked my first question.

(COUGHark) "Excuse me. Which one of you is Patches?"
"She is" says the leatherfaced hoboclown.
"UMMMMmmm How long have you been doing this?"
"I am a seasoned entertainer Sonny..." I cut the clown off
"I was talking to Patches."

I woke up just as I was clowning the clown.

From the year 1967

This is pretty amazing. This was produced by Philco in 1967 and details in the not so distant future (1999 A.D.) we will be able to shop from home and pay bills via computer. It also predicts that we can send instant letters to anywhere in the world via computer. It also demonstrates that women will still be treated as sub-par humans only able to answer to their owner/husbands. She sits at home and shops while he slaves at work and pays for her shopping sprees. They never talk anymore. They just use the internet.

Federal Law Enforcement after dark

Please dear god click the title of this post to watch The Fed's strip search instuctional film. This is early 80's softcore at its government sanctioned best.

It looks a lot like this:

Peeps cant get any better... or can they?

UPDATE on the horrible kite flying festival deaths.

14 people, including a child, were killed and 200 injured during an annual kite flying festival in central Pakistan.
A seven-year-old boy died when an illegal kite string coated in broken glass slashed his throat during the Basant festival near Lahore, local police officer Ahmed Hasan said.
Stray bullets fired in the air killed four people, six kite flyers fell to their deaths from rooftops and a young man died in a brawl, Hasan added.
Another two men were electrocuted after the metal rods they were using to catch stray kites caught on power lines, officials in Lahore added.
Most of the wounded had head injuries caused by falling from rooftops, the officials said.
Lahore police chief Malik Iqbal said nearly 600 people were arrested for firing guns in the air or using banned kite strings.
Thousands of revellers traditionally take part in "kite battles" to mark Basant, which heralds the start of spring in central Punjab province, while socialites hold wild parties in major cities.
But the yearly death toll prompted the Pakistan Supreme Court to ban the festival in 2006, while radical parties say the celebrations -- especially the kite-flying -- are un-Islamic.

"We have held countrywide rallies to condemn the practice of kite-flying and the loss of innocent lives because of it," said Shahid Shamsi, a spokesman for the Muttahida-Majlis-e-Amal, Pakistan's main alliance of Islamic parties.

Rallies were held in the capital Islamabad, Lahore and all major urban centers in Punjab, he said.

Punjab Chief Minister, Ch. Pervaiz Elahi has said that there is a complete ban on kite-flying in the province and strict implementation of this restriction would be ensured. He directed Police and administration to take stern action against the violators.

It may be mentioned that district governments of Kasur, Rawalpindi and Faisalabad had sought permission for kite-flying but the Chief Minister did not accede to their request. Meanwhile, the Chief Minister has directed Local Government Department not to allow kite-flying to any district government and turn down all requests in this regard. He further ordered stern action against any one guilty of violation of the ban irrespective of his influence.

Coming up ...
Bombpop confusion results in the death of local ice cream truck owner and father of three. But first ...
More on Bush. (Pronounced Moron Bush) After these messages.
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Trainables

During the 70's people who were retarded were cut some slack. The word "retarded" or "retard" was put on the shelf for a few years. In its place the clinical, more sensitive term "Trainable" was used.
Why?
Well, retarded folk, or as I like to call them, "Bungalows" were considered incapable of learning. In the 70's it was thought that there was no way a bungalow could learn anything. Yet after hours of research they, the people in the 70's, learned that bungalows can be trained. Much like you train a dog to sit or a cat to use the box. So blossomed the new name Trainable.

This is one of several real films made in the 70's, by people who lived... in the 70's for people who watched educational films... in the 70's.
Its all real.
While this seems to be on verge of some sort of fringe porn it was created to help "normals" train the animal-like retarded bungalows.
How sensitive we were back then.
Gosh we have come a long way.
I know I have.

White House Music Video

A White House sponsored anti-drug video from 1985-86. I'm unsure if they realized how cool dangerous and fun they made drugs appear to be. Hell it looks more interesting than my life. I want a talking David Hasselhoff poster and the demanding head of Stacey Keech in my freezer.
The highmonkey is my favorite for some reason.

Directed by WKRP's own Venus Flytrap.

Earl Weaver My hero!!!

He had no fear of his mouth. Beautiful!

where is the nearest railroad track?

"I was 6 when I first became aware of my desire to lose my legs," wrote "Susan Smith" in London's The Guardian in January. "The image I have of myself has always been one without legs." Its called "body identity integrity disorder" (apotemnophilia), which leads them to remove one or more limbs (or men their scrota). The worst part, said "Smith," was having to kill her leg, by freezing it in dry ice for at least four hours (she tried twice before it succumbed to an infection), because surgeons cannot ethically amputate a healthy limb. [The Guardian (London), 1-29-07]

Film Critic Michael Medved is drunk and high.

This was what Michael Medved had to say about Tim Hardaway.

Recent comments by retired basketball star Tim (“I hate gay people”) Hardaway did serious damage to his image and career but also unwittingly raised serious cultural issues about sexuality and gender.

Hardaway appropriately apologized for his harsh remarks, but many (if not most) Americans no doubt share his instinctive reluctance to share showers and locker rooms with open homosexuals. That reluctance also explains the controversial Defense Department policy that prevents out-of-the-closet gays from serving in the United States military.



Miami Heat's Tim Hardaway moves the ball against the New York Knicks, Sunday, April 8, 2001, at American Airlines Arena in Miami. NBA commissioner David Stern said Thursday, Feb. 15, 2007, it would be "inappropriate" for Hardaway to represent the league during NBA's All-Star weekend after the retired Miami Heat guard said on a radio show that he hates gay people. (AP Photo/Amy E. Conn,file)
In the wake of the nearly-universal condemnation of Tim Hardaway’s statements to a radio interviewer, the substantive issue remains. Is it a reasonable for an NBA basketball player (or a soldier in basic training, for that matter) to feel uncomfortable sharing intimate quarters with a homosexual, or does this represent an outrageous, irrational fear? In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks.

The analogy is ridiculous, of course. There is no rational basis for discomfort at playing with athletes of another race since science and experience show that human racial differences remain insignificant. The much better analogy for discomfort at gay teammates involves the widespread (and generally accepted) idea that women and men shouldn’t share locker rooms. Making gay males unwelcome in the intimate circumstances of an NBA team makes just as much sense as making straight males unwelcome in the showers for a women’s team at the WNBA. Most female athletes would prefer not to shower together with men not because they hate males (though some of them no doubt do), but because they hope to avoid the tension, distraction and complication that prove inevitable when issues of sexual attraction (and even arousal) intrude into the arena of competitive sports.

Tim Hardaway (and most of his former NBA teammates) wouldn’t welcome openly gay players into the locker room any more than they’d welcome profoundly unattractive, morbidly obese women. I specify unattractive females because if a young lady is attractive (or, even better, downright “hot”) most guys, very much including the notorious love machines of the National Basketball Association, would probably welcome her joining their showers. The ill-favored, grossly overweight female is the right counterpart to a gay male because, like the homosexual, she causes discomfort due to the fact that attraction can only operate in one direction. She might well feel drawn to the straight guys with whom she’s grouped, while they feel downright repulsed at the very idea of sex with her.

Many gay activists suggest that this near-universal straight male repulsion at the idea of sex with another man is merely the product of cultural conditioning: a learned prejudice that ought to be unlearned. This represents the core message of gay pride parades and even the drive for same-sex marriage: an effort to persuade all of society that gay sex is as beautiful as straight sex, and to “cure” men of their visceral disgust at the very thought of what two (or more) male homosexuals do with one another.

According to the “enlightened” advocates of gay liberation, this disgust gets to the very essence of “homophobia” – an altogether unjustified fear and distaste for male-on-male physical intimacy. When Hardaway says “I hate gay people” what he suggests at the deepest level is that he feels revolted by the very notion of same-sex eroticism and that he’d prefer not to face the distraction of such thoughts in the locker room or on the court.

In this sense, the reluctance to team (in athletics or the military) with announced homosexuals isn’t bigotry, it’s common sense. The recent “Astronaut Love Triangle” provides a pointed reminder of the way that even disciplined military careerists can be diverted, even ruined, by attraction, eroticism and romance.

Those who insist that basketball teams or submarine crews must welcome gay recruits must, for the sake of consistency, argue for the same welcome to teammates of the opposite gender. That notion – that a male player could, for instance, join a WNBA team without serious problems – shows the way that political correctness now seems to deny the obvious, often overwhelming potency of human sexuality.

Those who suggest that a guy could shower with young female athletes without risk of arousal, or that a gay guy could shower with young male athletes with problems or discomfort, don’t merely defy common sense. They ignore human nature.

Michael Medved is a film critic, best-selling author and nationally syndicated radio talk show host.