Monday, December 31, 2007

Steven is funny

So this was made as some sort of inside joke for a comedy improv show called CUPCAKE. It's still pretty funny on it's own.

Is Hell still sending these things up here?

I've always thought it looked like a harmonica.

The worst cartoon ever.

Genius at work.


A little cat fight to cheer me up.

STRANGER DANGER!

Feel the cheese.



This one just creeps me out.

Where's the coke?

All the parts of the dead cow make you smile.

Corey Feldman pre-Michael Jackson

McDonalds forced me to give a blowjob to Donna Summers fiance

Behind the scenes of a 70's McDonalds commercial Directed by the great Hollingsworth Morse.

A commercial directed by the great Hollingsworth Morse.



It's funny how their magical romp ends at a real-life McDonald's restaurant. I'm sure that place does bang-up business selling burgers twenty feet from where they grow on bushes for free. I guess they get paid to remove the big googly hamburger eyes so you can eat without your lunch staring reproachfully back at you.

Dig that crazy Mamas & the Papas-esque music!
I have to say the idea of a "hamburger patch" is so repulsive it has kept me from making lunch.



In the early 1970s, Sid and Marty Krofft created the first of many successful children's shows, H.R. Pufnstuf. After the just the first year, Pufnstuf was the top rated Saturday-morning TV show in the country. The franchise was so popular that it spawned a movie and a short-lived theme park.
The Krofft brothers were contacted by a variety of advertisers hoping to capitalize on this popularity. Among them was the defendant Needham, Harper & Steers, Inc., which was trying to secure an advertising account with McDonald's. It 's proposal was to create an ad campaign featuring McDonaldland, filled with characters adapted from the Krofft's popular show.

Needham promised to pay the Kroffts, but later informed the brothers that the ad campaign had been canceled and that no money was forthcoming. The Kroffts promptly sued when the McDonaldland commercials began to air.

Not only did the spots air there was a live traveling show that would tour the United States. Live appearances at newly opened McDonalds were done complete with a traveling set that features all the costumed characters and Ronald himself. Children everywhere had the opportunity to meet everyone from McDonaldland. The set was in the back of a semi truck that had fold down sides to unveil apple pie trees and thatches of singing fries. The set was created with a special staircase for children to come on stage and meet Ronald and get a special secret gift. (mine was a Ronald ring and a Ronald hand puppet.) Years later those children would receive yet another secret gift in the form of obesity and artery clogging plaque.
The truck long since dismantled sits in the PICK-A-PART scrapyard in Sun Valley California. For over a quarter of a century motorists could see an Apple Pie Tree sitting atop a double decker bus, during their travels down the I-5 near the Tuxford Street exit.


The boldness of the spot has faded with time but the spots obvious copyright infringment was not the only link to Sid and Marty Kroft. The bastards at Needham, Harper & Steers were so ballsy that they hired Hollinsgworth Morse, the director of the Pufinstuf feature film, to direct this spot. The music is a Mamas & the Papas rip off and another link to Pufinstuf as Mama Cass played Witch Hazel in the film.


I've been playing this commercial over and over. There is something about the music that seems all too familiar.

It seems to have a Beck "match stick strikes as I'm ridin' my bike to the depot" kinda thing goin' on. It's actually a cool little jingle as I have overlooked my disgust at the hamburger patch and drove to the nearest McDonalds to eat a couple of those happy singing cheeseburgers.


Update: As I haven't had McDonalds in quite a while the cheeseburgers made me violently explosive. With or without the googly eyes... never again.

Oh YouTube!

Honestly the things you can find on YouTube are Crazy!

Like this little gem.. Its on YouTube so its safe-ish but most likely not work friendly.

Edward Penishands.


Edward Penishands is more than just a surreal parody of a Hollywood blockbuster; it's also an entertaining time capsule of early 1990's porn. The hair, the production values, even the women themselves are at a perfect intermediary point. They're caught between the chubby, overly hairy, slightly unattractive eagerness of the 1980's and the slimmed, shaved, surgically sculpted, white washed wooden professionalism of late 90's and contemporary porn. Can you imagine a modern multi-angle gonzo POV porno that has a set with giant Trident gum wrappers on the wall? Me neither.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Crazy crimefighter

Disney's worst attraction poster.



Click to enlarge and enjoy those fine fine faces. Genuine fear is what that is! The attraction sucks so hard they couldn't pay people to be in the ad. It actually has empty seats on its advertising. Odd? I'd say so!

And if you look at the empty seat next to the kid wearing the John Lennon shirt you'll see the actual body of the car is well worn as if it was recycled from another ride.

I want to punch everyone on this ride in the face.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Sequoia Sempervirens has received the NBC seal of approval



Thanks to everyone at Dateline for determining my site is predator free!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

click the picture to superimbigulate

The Electrawoman that never was.





Thanks Luke!

My Christmas Dream.

I now work very odd hours. Because of my sad work schedule I seem to get sleep whenever I can. I just awoke from a nice 2 hour catnap and will start getting ready for work shortly. I just wanted to tell you about my Christmas dream I just had. It has nothing to do with Christmas it just happened to be the dream I had today. I was somehow simultaneously on and watching a psychic detective show. It was on HBO and it was like a hardcore porn with a story arc. Here is the plot as it was told to me in some very expositional dialog. Ya see, this guy, the lead guy in this show, is paid to be a hooker by the government. He is paid to sleep with the troops in war torn countries in order to keep the troops for sleeping with the enemy. (Cute huh) The only problem is that he can sense where violent crimes have happened he seems to be able to relive them if he in in the area the crime or event happened. So he is a hooker in the ARMY and is also part of a secret government psychic crime solving division. Since he is part of the troops he actually sleeps in the barracks and is ordered by his commanding officer to switch bunks. The problem is the bunk he is asked to sleep in is the bunk of a soldier who is missing and presumed dead. That soldier is not dead but is a violent killer on a spree. He cant even get close to the bed without seeing this soldiers past and current crimes flash in his head. (Great remember this is my dream and I got to see all those horrible things. Something is wrong with me.) After that violent montage I'm now just watching this show in a one bedroom apartment clearly not in California. The phone rings and it is Lisa Simpson calling to wish me a Merry Christmas. Yes a cartoon called me. She asked if I wanted to come over and see the family's Christmas finger paintings that they all did this year. I told he I'd love too and asked if they were still painting as I would love to do one with them.
No They had finished.
The I asked her "I know this is a question you probably cant answer but... I was watching "Extras" last night, you know, the Christmas Special, was that you as the second hooker with Clive Owen?"

"Yeah, I cant really answer that but I'd never do a show unless it was guaranteed funny."

We both laughed as we knew that wasn't true. I look over at the TV and in front of it, instead of a couch, is the soldiers murder mattress.

Then I woke up.

The future world of the year 2000. Wireless?



Most visions of the future never come to pass. There is always some super odd aspect that propels the future projection into science fiction. T.V. that smells. Cakes that bake,Ice, and light candles by themselves. Internet shopping with robotic storehouses that pack and ship your internet goodies without the use of those pesky humans.
This vision of a wireless future is so spot on that there is nothing out of the ordinary. Kudos to Motorola for getting it right.
The future IS boring!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Pee wee's Christmas Playhouse with Grace Jones 1988

For Jerry.



"Notice the slit?"

"Meat my cat, "Snow." I'm starving!

Oh Dickson you slay me!

Oh damnit! A day late I find this video



He he heee jacuzzi!

For those of you who are wondering who Stuart Krasnow is... He was Executive Producer of the mercifully brief talk show THE MARTIN SHORT SHOW and Average Joe: Hawaii.

Stevens Spreafico's madness is underplayed in this video.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Conclusion

I've done a line by line analysis of his video.


Here is the transcript and my notes:


Stubborn man is a song that I wrote

(The emphasis is on his achievement of writing a song and not the song itself.)

and its about (Sigh) the men in my life. They’re so stubborn.

(Stubborn is Steven’s word for disinterested. The men in this video are nameless numbered strangers who don’t connect to Steven on some fantastic unspoken mystical plain. Or is it that they find him repulsive?)

(On balcony of his house)

I be damned if I am going to sit here in MY house alone

(Again Steven stresses his achievement. This time the achievement is of owning a home. Something that would be an easy feat for any realtor. As for being alone it seems that he is contradicting himself as he just described this song as being about all the stubborn men in his life yet… he is alone. That could only mean that the stubborn man is him and no one else.)

when I can go down to the gay bar and I’m gonna find myself a man

(This is the troubling part of Steven. His deluded belief in his abilities leads him to believe he can pluck a relationship from the bar like you pick fruit off a tree. He has no desire to have any type of emotional contact with his prey. He just wants to “Go get one.” He dehumanizes these men. To Steven, men are objects to use… like toilet paper.)

and when I walk into the bar I see three men like, staring at me.

(By simply looking his way Steven believes they are staring at him. If any eye contact is made that constitutes “Staring.” In reality, in a bar-type atmosphere they are judging him.)

Number one is wiggling his Levi jeans.

(This is Stevens fantasy world. This line tells a little more about Steven. His ideal cowboy is not a cowboy at all. A real cowboy would not be caught dead in Levis but that is not the odd part about this line. The unusual part is that numbered nameless faceless object/person is wiggling his Levi jeans. Steven shows little interest about the person inside the jeans aside that the person is a male but mentions the clothes a wiggling magically on there own. What’s inside the clothes is less important. Any normally adjusted gay man would mention the ass in those jeans. Since he has no interest in the ass inside those jeans this leads me to believe our Realtor, Steven, is a bottom.)

Number two has big hands, (chuckle) If you know what I mean

(No average to well endowed gay man would make this kind of reference. This reinforces the “Bottom” aspect of Steven as well as the hunch he is unhappy with the size of his penis.)

and number three has the most piercing bright smile and (sigh) eyes staring at me.

(He means “Not White”. Take that mom and dad!)

Its about promoting safe sex and how I put on a saddle and took him for a ride I really think its important for men all across the world to always practice safe sex.

(Since the song mentions nothing about safe sex this statement is totally false. I would have to say that Stevens is false about the entire concept of safe sex. I’ll not dwell on that. It depresses me.)

Number one and two are guys that kinda like the energy didn’t connect and that’s another stubborn man hanging on my wall.

(Steven again confuses disinterested with stubborn. Perhaps this is a sign of a mediocre realtor? If someone shows disinterest in a house does it mean they don’t want the house? It’s the Realtors job to convince them this is the right house for them even if it isn’t. Those are stubborn clients to Steven. Not disinterested but stubborn. Steven shows his creepy predatory side by keeping tabs on those disinterested men. The “hanging on my wall” is a little too creepy even with the visual of Steven sticking up a picture of a disinterested man to a fake wall.)

Just such a wonderful, fun dance song.

(There is nothing wonderful about this song. It is not a dance song. In fact it is almost impossible to dance to. This would be Steven trying to pass off yet another failure as a success. )

(Music Video Begins)

Well I’ll be damned if I’m gonna wait around here all day.

(Wait? Wait for what? Sex to come to him? Steven exposes more of his predatory nature by waiting at home for sex. I’ll bet that Steven has an Adam for Adam or Manhunt account with a name like WehoCowboy.)

I’m young and free I’m a wild coyote

(Steven misrepresents himself here as young but he is actually in his early 40’s. As young can be relative yes he is young if you are 70 or 80. As for being a Coyote? That statement is the most honest he will ever get. Coyote’s are scavengers of the night. Prowling the city for scraps)

so get the hell outta my way

(This displays his need to show superiority over others. His need to satisfy his sexual urge with a faceless nameless stranger is overpowering and nothing or anybody will stop him.)

So I’m gonna go down to “the bar” tonight
And I’ll have a line of cowboys smiling at me.

(Stevens seems to think that everyone in a bar is there for him. In his mind everyone is on this planet to serve him. We all are here for Steven. Each and every one of us is on his buffet menu.)

Number one is shaking his Levi jeans.
Number two has big hands, you know what I mean
Number three has a big smile and piercing bright eyes smiling at me.

(Bright eyes smiling. Stevens attempt at being a songwriter fails miserably at this point.)

Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those Levi's left to right

(Again with the wiggling empty clothes.)

And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.

( Like a spider he spins his web. In Stevens mind the prey is helpless to Stevens advances)

(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.

(I can’t possibly image whats going thru his mind. He seems to have infatalized his predatory sex game.)

Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man

(Steven’s attempt at clever metaphor with the Ride the horse line. The amazing thing is the Chorus ends with his exclamation of Stubborn man. Its as if he gets what he wants and then has to insult his victim by calling him names.)


Well, Elvis, Rudolph Valentino and Madonna are like Me.

(Steven believes he is famous. His statement here is so random yet so necessary. He needs you to understand that he is important. His parents factor into this need to shout out I Am Somebody. It is clear that his republican parents disapprove of his lifestyle and Steven needs to show them he is not a failier. Even if that means making a statement like this with no basis in reality.)

My story is really like Winona Judd and her mom
‘cause my father and I butt heads but we still love to sing.

(Strangely absent from this picture is his actual mom. I suspect his mom is a successful realtor and the spotlight would be taken away from little Stevie if she were in the picture. Even a failed relationship is worth mentioning here as Steven points out that the relationship with his father is rocky. The only thing he has in common with his dad is the love of song? How sad.)

Well I picked up my man and went outside.
Put on the saddle and took him for a ride.

(A strange turn in the song as he just mentions the bad relationship with his father in one breath then in the next tells us about his sexual encounter with a strange man. Note that Steven Spreafico now owns this man as he refers to him as “MY MAN” He also did not take the nameless faceless sex object home to have sex but simply “outside”. It was “outside” not just in HIS house in the hills just above the bar. He needed to have sex “somewhere else.” This simple line seems to stem from an actual event. My guess is he did take the guy to his house and they had sex in the hot tub. You know Steven has to have a hot tub. It is a predator tool. Steven’s need further dehumanize his victim has reached a peak as he now seems to treat the man as a farm animal. That is even more disturbing as Steven comes from a farm and a short line can be drawn from sex with this nameless man to sex with a farm animal. Steven seems to be telling more about his past than I care to know.)



Wouldnja know the next day he didn’t call.

(For a normal person this would not come as a surprise as this was a one night stand Bar pickup)

Nahh ahhh
Another stubborn man hanging on my wall

(He places a picture of trick on wall next to a picture of Steven himself, with the caption “the simple life” below it. Another disinterested nameless man in a long line of nameless men. This shot of him placing a zed card shot onto a fake wall reminds me of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in the film Happiness. If you haven’t seen it go rent that film and be even more disgusted at this shot. )

Well I’m gonna go back and find “Number Two”

(I’m going out on a limb here by not making the obvious Scatological reference. Steven doesn't care who he is with. It is the conquest of getting anyone that is his thrill.)

I’m gonna “rope” the cutest one.

( I’m pretty sure he misspelled a word there)

Wait who’s there looking at me?
Sending his energy. It’s number three.

(Stevens mythical West Hollywood men have unique telepathic abilities. Aqua-man powers if you will. What a surprise the barfly returned to the bar. What a catch Steven!)

Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those Levi's left to right
And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man

Number three
I hope this one is here to stay

(still no name and no indication he’ll do anything to keep this trick around. Aside from sex there is no other reason for his man to stay. His lonely desperate cry for this man to stay is just a reflection on his own family life and how they never paid him any attention.)


(distorted little voice) I hope this one is here to stay.
You know it aint easy out there being gay

(Out where? Outside of his mystical fantasy world. That’s where. Steven is so out of touch with the real world yet seems to be aware of that fact on some level.)

Or happy happy

(His attempt at a humorous lyric.)

Those cowboys want to dial me up
Have their fun they don’t know
I’m the one In control.
(distorted voice)Pulling the reigns

(Oh and now the truth comes out. The curtain is pulled back to reveal the power hungry little monster within. Since he was only with one cowboy in this song this section is part fantasy but the other is pure ugly unadulterated truth. In Steven’s mind Steven is the one in control. The entire world is his to manipulate. You, me, your parents, your friends, the grocer the shop-clerk all are here for Steven. If they don’t perform to his satisfaction they will pay.)

So just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man


Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those Levi's left to right
And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man


End Report.

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Part Five

Are the following words those of a happy harmless realtor or are these words more suited to someone who is an unstable predatory serial rapist?
You decide. Please examine each lyric carefully. I've also transcribed the introduction to the "Video" as it provides some insight into the mind of Steven Speafico.
Please let me know if you truly think this guy is harmless.

(Transcript begins)
Stubborn man is a song that I wrote and its about (Sigh) the men in my life. They’re so stubborn.
(On balcony of his house)
I be damned if I am going to sit here in my house alone when I can go down to the gay bar and I’m gonna find myself a man and when I walk into the bar I see three men like, staring at me.

Number one is wiggling his levi jeans.
Number two has big hands, (chuckle) If you know what I mean and number three has the most piercing bright smile and (confused pause) eyes staring at me.

Its about promoting safe sex and how I put on a saddle and took him for a ride I really think its important for men all across the world to always practice safe sex.

Number one and two are guys that kinda like the energy didn’t connect and that’s another stubborn man hanging on my wall.

Just such a wonderful, fun dance song.

(Music Video Begins)

Well I’ll be damned if I’m gonna wait around here all day.
I’m young and free I’m a wild coyote so get the hell outta my way
So I’m gonna go down to “the bar” tonight
And I’ll have a line of cowboys smiling at me.

Number one is shaking his levi jeans.
Number two has big hands, you know what I mean
Number three has a big smile and piercing bright eyes smiling at me.

Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those levis left to right
And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man


Well, Elvis, Rudolph Valentino and Madonna are like Me.
My story is really like Winona Judd and her mom
‘cause my father and I butt heads but we still love to sing.

Well I picked up my man and went outside.
Put on the saddle and took him for a ride.

Wouldnja know the next day he didn’t call.
Nahh ahhh
Another stubborn man hanging on my wall
(places a picture of trick on wall next to a picture of himself with the caption “the simple life” below it.)

Well I’m gonna go back and find “Number Two”
I’m gonna “rope” the cutest one.
Wait who’s there looking at me?
Sending his energy. It’s number three.

Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those levis left to right
And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man

Number three
I hope this one is here to stay
(distorted little voice) I hope this one is here to stay.
You know it aint easy out there being gay
Or happy happy

Those cowboys want to dial me up
Have their fun they don’t know
I’m the one In control.
(distorted voice)Pulling the reigns

So just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man


Swing your partner
Round and round
Wiggle those levis left to right
And just have fun
Stubborn man
Rope him tight.
(Little voice) Don’t let him get away now.
Hooo hooo hoo hooo.
Stubborn man
Ride ride ride that horse
Stubborn man
(Winks to camera)
(fade out)
(fade in)
(cut to black)



Tomorrow...
The conclusion of CRAZYTRAIN:Destination Stevenwood

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My meds made me gay. Michael J Fox your next!

A French civil servant who claims he was turned gay by his Parkinson's medication has won a lawsuit against against a distributor of drugs containing dopamine.

Didier Jambart is seeking about a half-million dollars in compensation. (AKA the pricetag of sexuality)

His lawsuit claimed that he was not told the medication could lead to compulsive behavior. He claimed that after taking the drugs he developed "homosexual urges" and spent hours searching for gay sex.

He also claimed that he developed a gambling compulsion and even sold toys belonging to his two young sons to get money to place on horse races.

Jambert said he began noticing the changes within a year of starting the meds.

"As soon as we saw him we knew immediately it was dopamine agonists," Philippe Damier, head of the neurology department at the Nantes CHU hospital testified.

Jambart was given different medication and his disorders disappeared.

"Without that, I would have killed myself or have ended up in prison," Jambert said.

The penalty phase of the trial is set to begin.

The case is being closely watched by lawyers in Europe and North America who have clients who also claim to have developed compulsions as a result of dopamine.

Historical Tube Posters


Historical Posters, originally uploaded by Sparticus.

Found in the London Underground 20th January 07

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Part four

Update.

Fuck Spartacus. All I did wanted to do was ask him some questions and what did I get? Tazed. Now I have permanent nerve damage and an inability to control my bowels.

After 13 straight hours of trying to contact Mike Douglas all I got was a major cramp in my hand and this e-mailed picture.

Clearly I was going about this all wrong. Mike Douglas is not dead. He is undead. That is why the Ojai board didn't work. As we all know undead people tend to be a little confused. He is now asking me about Steven Spreafico. I wanted to ask him about this Steven guy. Zombies are idiots.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Deer Hunter toy? Merry Christmas.

Suicide bath duck. Merry Christmas

get in the spirit ya jerkface!

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Part Three

7:20 am:
Today we will attempt to be in contact with the most powerful Douglas of all.

The mighty mighty MIKE DOUGLAS.

Since Mike has shuffled off this mortal coil it could be a little difficult to get his opinion on the talents of Steven Spreafico but I’m pretty almost sort of confident we can get through to him.


9:45am:
Using all my psychic powers I am currently in the process of attempting to locate my Ouija Board. I was going to ask the spirit of Mike Douglas to help me find the board but …
630pm:
Ok.
7:40pm:
Ive given up on ever finding the Ouija Board. I did have some luck.
I found a map of Ojai.


Close enough.
7:45pm
With my trusty sharpie and a shot-glass for a pointer, I now have my conduit to the netherworld.



8:00pm
Nothing.

9:00pm-11:00pm
Nothing

To be continued…

Monday, December 17, 2007

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Part Two

Please excuse this post as it is coming from my iPhone. I don’t have computer access right at this very moment.
Since FBI profiler John Douglas is busy I thought I'd track down another famous Douglas to chat about Steven Spreafico's amazing lack of talent.
So I took a quick trip into Beverly Hills today to see if I could sit down and have a chat with Kirk Douglas’ agent. I’d like to get Spartacus’s opinion on Steven Spreafico’s videos.
Meeting people in person is more…personable don’t you think?
So into the bowels of William Morris I went. The first stop was this waxy-faced eyebrow plucker at the front desk. I was trying to explain my project to the receptionist while she was looking up if Kirk Douglas was even represented by them and the craziest thing happened. Some nutbag was in the front lobby causing a scene. Or at least that’s what I heard on the security guys radio. The one swiftly moving my way. I spun around to see if I could get a look at the crazy person The only other person in the lobby was a guy that looked like Rob Schneider but short. Really Short. Like dwarf sized so it couldn’t have been him. He was muttering something about the film Chuck & Larry. Every second word out of his mouth was Fuck. But not like a mad FUCK. It was more of a desperation fuck. Like when you cause a car accident. The next thing I know I feel a sting in my chest and I could hear clicking and what inexplicably sounded like a really long fart.
I came to with this as my view. (thanks iPhone!) I was in the back of a police car.


I had been tazered.

I guess since 9/11 people are still jumpy when it comes to strangers.

Steven's talent is something real special. So special in fact he should join forces with the most popular special band in the world, The Kids of Widney High!
Here is their video for their smash hit NEW CAR!

Oh gotta go. My bail was just posted.

Well tomorrow I will try and contact the most powerful Douglas of all and We’ll finally get to the bottom of this Steven Spreafico freak.

Zoe Leonard's words from 1992

Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. Part One

The chore of ripping apart Steven Spreafico’s life is off to a slow start. I started this week by checking in with John Douglas . The call went better than I expected. I told him about Steven and his videos and asked if he would care to make fun of this guy on my blog. Mr. Douglas is unfortunately unable to comment on Stevens psyche at this time but Mr. Douglas stated very firmly that He will be a guest on this blog in the future. He is just waiting for a severe weather change in a particular location before he makes his appearance here.
So… what to do? What to do?
I know!
Tomorrow we will check in with another Douglas and see If we can get him to profile Steven Spreafico.

In the mean time enjoy this interview with Steven on NPR.


Stay tuned.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Just how bad is Steven Spreafico's voice?

While proudly showing my new object of disgust this weekend I got to thinkin' : "Just how bad is Steven's singing voice?"

The vocal on this video shows Steven's lame attempt at vocal processing.



Some people.... I don't know who they are, But some people I'm sure could say his singing is "Not Bad."
God knows you can't call it good but it doesn't cause internal bleeding so thats NOT BAD.

Just to prove how bad Stevens voice is (LIKE I HAVE TO DO THAT!) Here is a demo of an Auto-Tune system. This is a vocal processing system that can turn shit into highly processed shinola.

Now this guy is doing a demo in response to an artist called TPain but the point is well made.

It is clear this guy cant sing and his processed version isn't half bad. How bad do you have to be for the processed vocal to sound bad?

After hearing that go back and experience the pain that is Blue Eyed "Hollywood" cow"Boy" and note how much that sack o' craps voice is processed.
I know ya'll heard it the first time but I have a sneaking suspicion I am posting this so Steven knows we are on to his obvious vocal suckatude. He seems like a guy who can't take a subtle hint.



Here is this big news for next week. Former FBI agent John Douglas the man who created the Behavioral Science Unit at Quantico will be here to discuss the predatory aspects of Steven Spreaficos song Stubborn Man. In addition Douglas, using only online tools and neighborhood interviews will take a closer look at Steven's lyrical style and delve into Stevens very public, private life. We’ll look at his upbringing on the ranch, his career choice and current lifestyle and what we find may shock you.

Look for this exciting exclusive:


Crazytrain: Destination Stevenwood. The Steven Spreafico story.
With special guest John Douglas.

Pet Gravy?


This is how to describe food using all the wrong words.
Click the photo to imbigulate the image.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Post number 1,001


A very not real aftermath.

Post number 1,000

My 1,000th post is a Disney doozie with these gems. Enjoy some vintage self extermination with Mickey at his lowest point.








See more of them here

Gifts of Christmas past.


I remember asking and receiving two of the toys in this image.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Steven Spreafico's really tough life growing up.

I just thought someone would get a kick out of seeing the 3sranch where Steven grew up as a cowboy and both loved and hated his childhood.

Behold!!
I said BEHOLD!!!!

oh wait ... BEHOLD! click here

The Address of the ranch is:

7900 Orcutt Road
San Luis Obispo CA 93401

Herre it is on Googlemaps

It looks like Steven Graduated San Luis Obispo High School in 1985
(GO Tigers!)

I see it runs in the family as Linda is a Realtor too. Starving Ranch Realtor
(Note Linda's use of the word Realtor is trademarked?)

What a tough life this guy had growing up.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Oh Santa... These too!


I'm going boating and these would make perfect life saving pants. My legs are in need of a little color.

Oh Santa ... Pleeeeeease!

Here is some more broken glass for your eyeballs.

Before I show you this next video I just want to be the responsible blogger and point out this guys home phone and home fax number are found here

If you are in the market for a home... call up the stupid fuck and have him show you one.

So much for the potatoes... here is the meat:

Watch Steven air-kiss farm animals and tell you how hard it is to be him. Listen to him be proud of his ranch upbringing and hate it in the same breath. He is clearly filming on what he claims to be his parents ranch as somebody, off camera, tries to shoo him away. This "I can do anything" attitude from a person with limited experience can only end one way.



What a fuckin' idiot.


As a native of Hollywood I find this guy a repulsive trans-plant.
As a gay man I am outraged at his behavior. This is the gay equivalent to Fried Chicken and Watermelon.
As a man I just want to beat the fuckin crap out of him.**
As a no-budget film producer I want to beat him up*** for wasting my already free time!

Steven,
There is "Camp" and there is "Retarded". There is no such thing as "Retarded Camp."*


You can see that he is a spoiled brat who treats people like crap.
Damn him for giving Hollywood a bad name.
Why couldn't he have gone to Alaska like that Into the Wild idiot?
Seen here:
At least that Into the Wild kid got what was coming to his stupid ass. I hope there is a broken bus in Alaska for Steven.


*There is only one exception here.

**While I say I want to actually assault this Ass-Clown I do not want to come near him. I wish peace on earth and for Steven to be... somewhere else. I would never hit another person out of anger rage or disgust. Not even out of pure blind hatred.

*** Yes... I'll make a violent exception...for this. My mighty hammers would have to give him a smote or two.

Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Disney has known all along

Get your face full of goo!

AAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHA! Enough! The Police are on their way Batman!

Gentlemen start your grills!

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency made a special announcement in October that it is once again safe to eat squirrels in New Jersey. (In January, EPA had discovered lead in tissue samples from local squirrels, but later said the lead might have come from defects in the sampling machine. )

Now lets get to work on putting those yummy penguins on the menu.
Click here to celebrate

There are some people you wish would go to Texas.

I want to punch his stupid face.



You are the reason people hate gay folk. Go back to your "Cattle Ranch" in San Luis Obispo. Get out of Hollywood.
Why are realtors such ugly people?

Read his (clearly self written) bio here.

Try it. You'll like it. "It's like swimming... It's ah Fu uhhh Freestyle Backstroke."


Kit Bond is a ghoul.
Time to put this guy on trial for war crimes. Gotta start somewhere. He could be a nice springboard to the evil higher up.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"This never happened to the other fellow"

Pierce Brosnan is being sued for assault, battery and negligence by a photographer who claims the actor shoved him during a scuffle in a Malibu parking lot.


Robert Rosen said he was taking photos of Brosnan on Oct. 26 when "suddenly and without warning," the 54-year-old actor struck him in the chest, causing "severe physical and emotional pain and injuries, including bruised ribs."

Calls to Brosnan's attorney weren't immediately returned Tuesday.

The lawsuit, filed Monday in Los Angeles Superior Court, claims Rosen wasn't chasing the ex-James Bond and former "Remington Steele" star and didn't invade his privacy. It also claimed the attack was "designed to inflict pain and injury."

The freelance photographer is suing for unspecified general and punitive damages, the cost of medical and psychological treatment, and lost earnings.

James Franco

Not only does he have to deal with an MTV idiot he seems very, very,very,very,veeeeerrrrryyyyy high.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Edward on Stage?

Did anyone get to see this?

One of us.

I am now an ordained minister. Know anyone who wants to get married? I can do it! My new title is Reverend.

I'm serious.



I'm now a Reverend.
Oh that makes me laugh!

Disneyland cutting holiday corners



While in the park this weekend I couldnt help but notice that the Christmas decorations seemed a little on the cheesy cheap side.
Disneyland was once a place that prided itself on the details. Nowadays the details are gone. Take for instance the decorations on the castle. Home depot lights that are only dressed on one side of the castle. God forbid you look up after once you are on the other side of the bridge. The lights and icicles stop. It is as if they are saying "eh we got you money... whaddaya gonna do?"

Saturday, December 8, 2007

If ya aint got Moxie ya aint got Dick!

I found a local store that sells Moxie in bottles. It's pretty damn good!

Find it and drink it!


Moxie was created in 1876 by Dr. Augustin Thompson formerly of Union, Maine, while working for the Ayer Drug Company in Lowell, Massachusetts. Moxie was first marketed as a patent medicine in Lowell, Massachusetts, under the product name “Moxie Nerve Food." From 1928 through 1953 Moxie was bottled at 74 Heath St. in the Jamaica Plain section of Boston, MA. The building, known as Moxieland, featured an advertisement on the roof along with an arrow pointing in the direction of Logan Airport. Moxie was said to cure ailments ranging from softening of the brain to “loss of manhood.” In 1884, it was sold in carbonated form and merchandised as an invigorating drink, which claimed to endow the drinker with “spunk”. Two words that should never be associated with a drink.
In the early phase of its life as a recreational soft drink, Moxie is said to have been kept handy by bartenders to give to customers who were too drunk to be given any more alcohol. This story may be apocryphal, however, inspired by Moxie's noted aftertaste, which many people find unpleasantly strong.
The name entered the American language, when a person was said to be “full of Moxie”, meaning that the person was skillful, or spirited (or endowed with spunk.) Moxie became unique in that it was the name of a commercially produced soft drink, and was also included in dictionaries.
The popularity of Moxie produced popular advertising jingles, such as “Just Make It Moxie for Mine”, and President Calvin Coolidge was known to have favored the drink. Boston Red Sox slugger Ted Williams endorsed Moxie. Author E.B. White, an adopted Mainer and noted Moxie fan, once wrote “Moxie contains gentian root, which is the path to the good life.”



Falling out of favor due to competition from Coca Cola, demand for Moxie has waned in recent years, although demand still exists in New England. It was designated on May 10, 2005, as the official state soft drink of Maine.
One of the key ingredients of Moxie is “Gentian Root Extractives”, which probably contributes noticeably to its unique flavor. For those without access to Moxie, the flavor can be approximated (and adjusted to taste) by adding Angostura bitters to root beer. Its bitter taste is also reminiscent of Italian chinotto soda.
Moxie has also grown in popularity in recent years in regions of southern Maine and Connecticut due to its mixability with certain spirits. Notable Moxie mixed drinks include the “Welfare Mom”, which consists of equal parts Diet Moxie and Allen's Coffee Flavored Brandy; the “County Girl”, a drink made up of one part bourbon whiskey and two parts Moxie on the rocks, with an optional lime garnish; the "Mad Mailman", a mixture of Moxie and J├Ągermeister; and "The Vijay", which consists of one part Moxie and one part blended American Whiskey. Many people, even those who do not like the soda on its own, find it superb, refreshing and relaxing when mixed with Jack Daniels.
For me its Moxie straight up!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Oh what joy!



Im happy with the old fashioned way. The way he is describing seem a little too...

WWII

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Clapp's Apple Sauce, 1950's

Insert STD joke here.

Western Black-Legged Tick actual size.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

World AIDS day.

Dear President Bush,

There are people in this country that cannot afford HIV/AIDS medication. Before you start "helping" people overseas shouldn't you help the people you serve?
Help the people in this country.
While you urge congress to approve an additional $30 billion for the global fight against AIDS over the next five years, and announce you'll visit Africa early next year to further highlight the need and your administration's efforts you do nothing for the people here.
Nothing.
Perhaps it is your opinion they should go without help? Because thats what I see. I see you not helping the millions of people affected by HIV and AIDS in the United States but you claim to be helping people in other countries. Why not help the people who pay your salary? Why not help the people who live in "this great land of ours?" You want people who are affected to just go away. You are a heartless monster bent on making money and helping your friends make money off the sick poor and dying.

Happy world AIDS day Mr. President.

I hope when your term is up you are not eligible for insurance.

What the hell is going on in Bulgaria?