I was going to go off on a movie currently in production but I dont have the energy.

I'll tell you the title and you can tell me why I'm pissed its being made.... ok?

I AM LEGEND.

Pete's Dragon

Why wasn't the Disney film PETE'S DRAGON a hit?





Oh thats why.
It contains unusually high levels of suck.

Rod Serling writes his life.

Be careful what you wish for Mr. Travolta.

FROG BOND

Freddy as F.R.O.7 (1992):
An international cast of stars, headed by Ben (Gandhi) Kingsley, lend their voices to this disturbingly irrational animated adventure. Freddy is an enchanted frog who evolves into a six-foot tall, talking, singing, sports car driving, cap and ascot-wearing secret agent for Her Majesty's government. Along the way he meets the various mystical musical mutants, including the Loch Ness Monster. Freddy is the Eraserhead of big screen cartoons.

Freddie flopped. It received poor reviews in its home country, the United Kingdom, and despite huge media coverage of the making of the film on television and huge publicity, the public just weren't interested in the concept. A sequel, Freddie Goes To Washington was already in the works long before this film was released, but because of the poor performance at the box office, the project was shelved, never to be seen or heard of again.

Another impact to its fall was that it was made by an independent company, Hollywood Animation Studios. At the time, Disney was at its peak with its new releases, meaning other companies, such as Sullivan Bluth Studios (known for An American Tail and The Land Before Time) couldn't compete with the popularity of Disney.

The fact the film was a flop in the UK meant that overseas, the distributors released the film straight to video. An alternate version in the United States, not released until three years later, includes a title change (Freddie The Frog) and a new narration from James Earl Jones. Parts of the animation were also cut, including that of Freddie transforming Messina into a buzzard, and an almost entire song from the UK version was trimmed, replaced with a narration that was dubbed over by Jones. The film has more recognition in the States, and while some have praised the film, others either refer to it as a bad animated movie or a nasty acid trip. Despite this, it is still a very little known animated film, which to this date has never been released on DVD.

Lost Bond Spoof

IF LOOKS COULD KILL

As the reigning teen idol of 21 Jump Street and Booker, Richard Grieco tested the big screen in this farce. If Looks Could Kill should be admired for the ripping off virtually every Bond film with shameless abandon while thankfully staying away from the slapstick of Spy Hard or the hallucinogenic stupidity of Casino Royale.

Grieco is Michael Corbin, high-school slacker (even though Grieco was 26 at the time) who goes to Paris with his French class for a much-needed foreign language credit. Naturally there’s a super-spy booked on the same flight who just happens to have the same name. Convenient confusion results, the spy Corbin is killed, and the student Corbin is suddenly the target of a maniacal would-be dictator (Roger Rees), his diminutive assassin (Linda Hunt), a big-breasted femme fatale named "Aureola" (wink, wink), and a large man with a steel hand who grunts a lot and bumbles around with the same endearing buffoonery that made Jaws so popular.

Bond references hurled at the viewer en masse. Taken by the British Secret Service to their laboratory, Corbin is given the traditional gadgets: explosive chewing gum, x-ray glasses, and a Lotus Esprit complete with tuxedo in the trunk. Before long he’s -- you guessed it -- playing baccarat with the villain in a casino, introducing himself as "Corbin ... Michael Corbin," and gallivanting around the countryside with a beautiful waif (Gabrielle Anwar in an early role) bent on revenge. All this time, his French class and their witch of a teacher get mistaken for a group of mercenaries and are kidnapped, then released, then kidnapped again, without ever realizing it.

Taken in context, If Looks Could Kill is a hysterically funny romp through the warped mind of a screenwriter intent on going way over the top. As such, the only time the film falters is when it slows down to needlessly develop the obligatory romantic subplot. Aside from some violence that borders on disturbing in the comedic way it’s played, there’s nothing even remotely serious about this film.

Predictably, If Looks Could Kill was hammered by most critics. But in a daring move, Roger Ebert gave it a "thumbs up" and said it "plays like a head-on collision between [James] Bond and Indiana Jones, if the primary goal of both of those heroes was transcendent silliness." If Looks Could Kill gives us the best of all worlds: it’s a Bond spoof made with a big budget and written securely in contemporary comedic style.

And whatever happened to Richard Grieco? He released a music CD in Europe and can be found on his Official Web Site (www.rgrieco.com ohhh sorry its been defunct for quite some time.) Well...
You can find pictures of Richard at www.AWFULPLASTICSURGERY.com

As for the movie? It is not offered on netflix simply because WARNER BROS has not bothered to make DVDs. The last release was on February 7th 1995 on fabulous VHS. Check your local thrift store.

The year 1979 brought us ALIEN and...

For Y'ur Height Only

(1979) Directed by Raymond Jury. Stars: Weng Weng.

A totally ridiculous, excessively tasteless ‘70s Filipino lensed rip-off of James Bond movies with a three-foot-nothing superspy, codename: 00. That's right, double-oh-nothin'.



I have a soft spot for Bond outings (as most folks do) and an even softer one for rip-offs and spoofs.

Starring Weng Weng (pronounced Wang - can you see the jokes off in the distance?), a three-foot tall Aztec-lookin’ burn victim dude with a Moe Howard haircut and an Elvis white suit (the freakin’ lapels are about as wide as he is tall!). Voiced by someone who has seen WHATS UP TIGERLILY too many times. He sounds like a cross between David Sedaris and a rrrreeeeeaaaallllly gay deaf Paul Rubens. This secret agent extraordinaire is called into action to take down the nefarious Mr. Giant. A powerful villain (we know this because he communicates with people though a internally lit beauty mirror that makes cheesy Dr. Thoeopolous noises) who has kidnapped a famous scientist who has created the formula for an "N" bomb that could end life as we know it.(Yep like the one Michael Richards dropped a few times didn't do the trick?) Mr. Giant also runs a drug cartel and has lots of worthless henchmen that get their nuts kicked by a elf in a leisure suit. (or is he a dwarf?) The henchmen are voiced by people who know damn well no one will ever see this so they pull out all the stops. Bogart, Cagney and Lorre are all present. These voices are not acceptible for a Simpsons episode but oddly they flourish here.
Before 00 takes on the case of busting Mr. Giant’s nefarious plan of world domination he is fully outfitted with the latest secret agent gadgetry – toys that would have James Bond having tantrums of envy and demanding a pay rise. First up there is a fabulous pendent that is to be used for “two way communication” and a ring (that he never needs to use) which detects all poisons. He is also given what his boss describes as a real “humdinger” of a gun that has been specially designed for 00 keeping in mind his physique. There is also a nifty looking grey hat which makes Odd Job’s accessory seem like an flaccid antique. This lethal weapon of a hat does everything Odd Job’s memorable hat did but so much more. This deadly grey hat can be deployed in any hairy situation and once set in motion it is controlled by the poison detecting ring. He is also given a nifty looking pen that doubles as a deadly killer dart gun as well as a utility belt. This belt is equipped with all sorts of deadly high tech wizardry but perhaps its most telling attribute is its ability to “slice through steel bars” when the need might arise. He also already has a fantastic watch in his possession that performs a host of sophisticated functions. Finally he is given a set of brilliant shades which when employed allows one to see through people’s clothing and even the thickest material. Rayon and lead clear as crystal! So 00 is thoroughly decked out with the finest gadgets as he sets off on his mission to bring Mr. Giant to justice and to crush his burgeoning crime syndicate. For the most part the use of the gadgets is a useless payoff as his first line of defense is to kick an opponent in the balls. Lots of ball kicking. I mean... lots.
It's a little Bond (ba dam chi) and a little Enter the Dragon, as Weng must wend his way into the hideout of Mr. Giant only to find Mr. Giant is also a kung-fu ass-kickin’ shorty too!
A fine film indeed.

Shadoe Stevens

While he has gone on to have a mediocre voice-over career he will forever be known as Fred Rated of Federated.

By the horns of everything satanic.

I know its a Christmas movie but I just had to share. Watch for the part where lil' Lupita sees two creepy hand puppets have rough man-puppet sex. If you can sit thru that there is a section later on where Lupita dreams of two-faced dancing zombies that emerge from flip top coffins.
The zombies show Lupita their knickers.

Here is more from the same film:

Genesis of the retard genre

At what point did the average actor think that playing a person with disabilities was a sure fire hit and a career booster? 1968. That's when it all started. Cliff Robertson won the Academy Award for CHARLY. You know damn well it is said in every pitch meeting for the new "retard" movie "It'll be th next CHARLY. It'll bring tears to there eyes."
Tears of Laughter and/or Hatred.

After his Ocscar winning performance in CHARLY Robertson was one of the darlings of Hollywood. Until... he discovered that the studio was perpetrating a tax fraud on the government. Instead of remaining silent, he told everything and was blackballed by the community. Where once there were agents knocking on his door, now there were none and he did not work for quite some time. True to his Calvinist upbringing he maintained the truth at all costs, and after several years of turmoil he got his footing back.


Charly (also spelled ChaЯly) is a 1968 film which tells the story of a mentally retarded bakery worker, who becomes a subject of an experiment to increase his mental capacity. After he reaches genius level, he realizes that the treatment is temporary, and that he will soon revert to his previous mental ability. It stars Cliff Robertson, Claire Bloom, Lilia Skala, Leon Janney and Dick Van Patten.

The movie was adapted by Stirling Silliphant from the novel Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. In turn, the novel was based on a short story of the same title, by the same author. The movie was directed by Ralph Nelson.

Cliff Robertson won the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his work in this movie.

Robertson had appeared in many television versions of screenplays that had gone on to be made into movies starring other actors (most notably Days of Wine and Roses, which had starred Jack Lemmon). When he starred in the The Two Worlds of Charly Gordon, a 1961 television adaptation of Flowers for Algernon, he bought the movie rights so that he would be certain to star in the film version as well.



There are thousands upon thousands of people who are differently abled, all can emote far better than any actor. just ask their caregivers.

Riding on the bus with my sister

Another trophy on the "retard" movie shelf is RIDING ON THE BUS WITH MY SISTER. Rosie O'Donnell pulls out all the stops for director Angelica Houston. Rosie "plays" Beth as a woman who is afflicted with a mild case of Joe Cocker hands and mac and cheese filled nostrils. Depth is added to the character as Rosie also includes foot stomping, turning single syllable words into multi-syllabic tunes and the ever popular silly syllable empahSIS.To top it off she adds her patented "twistyface" for that Emmy award winning "retard" look. What in the world would ever make ANYONE think a performance like this was even close to acceptable is beyond me.



I know I have posted this on the other site but lets take a look at how "retards" act.


Oh wait... here is the best of the worst:


Angelica Houston should have chose another vehicle to cut her TV directing teeth on. This was worse than when Diane Keaton directed the ABC after school special THE GIRL WITH THE CRAZY BROTHER. Thats a post in itself.

Bill

Bill, a retarded man, ventures out into the world for the first time. Having spent most of his life in a dreary inner city Institution. He is taken in by a kind family and learns what it means to love for the first time in his life.


Yet another actor taking a stab at being retarded. This time a crazy person is hired to play a mentally challenged man. His portrayal was awkward and insulting. This "drama" actually had a TV movie sequel entitled BILL ON HIS OWN.

Another "make fun of disabled people" movie

"Slapstick: of another kind" seems to have avoided DVD in the USA. While it may not be the worst film ever made it is certainly in the running. Here is a synopsis of the film. It reads far better than it is.

Basicly it is Madaline Kahn and Jerry Lewis doing "retard" jokes for 80 odd minutes.

The People's Republic of China is severing relations with all other nations. They have mastered the art of miniaturization, and have shrunk all their people to the height of 2 inches. The ambassador of China, Ah Fong (Pat Morita), announces during a press conference that they key to all knowledge can be found from twins.

Caleb Swain (Jerry Lewis) and his wife Letitia (Madeline Kahn) are called 'the most beautiful of all the beautiful people' by the press. However, when Letitia gives birth to twins who are called "monsters." The family doctor, Dr. Frankenstein (John Abbott) informs the parents that the twins won't live more than a few months. The Swain's decide to allow the twins to live their short life in a mansion staffed with servants, including Sylvester (Marty Feldman).

Fifteen years later the twins (also played by Lewis and Kahn) are "still alive." They have large heads and appear to be retarded. Their parents, who have not seen them in all those years, receive a visit from the former Chinese ambassador who inform them that their children are genuises who can solve the world's problems. They dont hold a candle to Chance the gardener!

The parents, along with the US president (Jim Backus) pay the children a visit. They reveal themselves to be well-behaved and intelligent, explaining that they acted "stupid" around the servants because they were simply emulating them.

A series of tests reveal that there is a telepathic connection between the twins, and their intelligence is only functionable when they are together. Furthermore, when their heads are touching they reach a level of intelligence that has never been surpassed.

Their parents, fearful that incest may be prevalent, separate the two. They become despondant without each other, and the Chinese ambassador appears again to tell them to seek each other out. Once united, a spaceship appears and reveals that they are really aliens who were sent to Earth to solve all of the planet's problems. However, their alien father (voice of Orson Welles) reveals that Earth cannot handle their intelligence and returns them to their home planet. Whoa. Now imagine that film but not funny. It plays much better as a horror film.

Duke it out.

Dukes of Hazzard I swear was softcore Gay porn.

superkat

No Roger its MISS Bugs Bunny!

Where the hell is the TV movie LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?
Not on DVD thats fo sho.
Based on a true story, the made-for-TV Like Normal People is THE story of a romance between two mentally challenged adults. In his first dramatic acting appearance, Shaun Cassidy plays Roger Meyers, a mildly retarded man who, while living in a home for the handicapped, falls in love with another resident, Virginia Rae Hensler (Linda Purl). Despite the fierce opposition of their parents--not to mention one of the administrators, who regards such a union as "a social obscenity"--Roger and Virginia are determined not only to marry, but to raise a family. Virtually their only ally is teacher Bill Stein (Zalman King yeah... thats right. The softcore porn King), who formulates a stringent training program to show the couple the obstacles that they will face, and must overcome, in their future lives. Like Normal People made its ABC debut on April 13, 1979, a scant three weeks after the broadcast of the similarly themed No Other Love.

Man I miss that movie!
Shaun Cassidy and Linda Purl play ROGER and VIRGINA two bucketheads-who-clearly-are-not-retarded-but-simply-act-fuckin-stupid-as-shit folk who fall in love and want to make babies.
Roger works at LOVES ribs and claims he has an eleven year old girlfriend while Virgina delights neighbors with tales of the doctors forceps causing her retardation. It all starts with Hope Lange reading a poem that Roger wrote about his BIG RED PENCIL. What a Train Wreck! If anyone has a copy of this film please PLEASE dear god I have to have it!

Didn't he get kicked off of back to the future?

I have trouble telling these two apart.