On the lighter side...

This is just a general cry for help. Nothing to unusual. While work is fine my life outside of that has become somewhat of a horrible mess. I’ve been reflecting over the past ten years and found that when I look back at things there is a lot that I am unwilling and unable to face. Bills. Old bills and debts from years ago still haunt me. The odd daily call from the unknown number from India telling me there is an important and confidential call for me is a subtle reminder I have debt that I have chosen to ignore. I can’t afford to pay whatever it is they want. I honestly thought I’d be dead by now. It’s an odd feeling of dread to know I’m still alive. It’s almost like I’m disappointed that I have lived so long. My plan to beat the bills by dying didn’t work. Damn you horrible life force. So I now have to face these issues. Actually, making a list of things to address is overwhelming. Just thinking about it makes me sleepy. I really honestly do not know how to manage myself. I’m sinking into a depression that is pretty bleak. I honestly think I need someone to help me with day-to-day affairs. I’m not equipped to handle simple things normal people deal with on a daily basis. If I truly knew what I needed I would come right out and ask. The problem is I don’t know. I think I need therapy and anti depressants. I think I need to declare some sort of bankruptcy. I think I need to give away everything so I don’t need to be tied down by physical objects. I don’t want to be homeless but I understand if it happens. I think I am disabled by depression and can just almost function like a real person. I should quit my job and go on disability. I should make sure the cat gets a good home and I should drive until I can and figure out how to live. I actually went on a date a few weeks back and the guy was real nice but I didn’t even feel like he was my species. I had a hard time even pretending to be normal. I don’t feel human. I don’t really know if I feel anything other than pain and that horrible blackness. I am incapable of setting goals. I am alone and not able to cope with things. This depression seems to happen in cycles. I’ve had it before but each time it comes back it seems worse. I guess part of me wants to fail because the thought of things getting on the right track then ultimately fucking it up is unbearable. I might as well fuck everything up until my last breath.
But first...
a cocktail.